A lot of this had to do with having a guardian that convinced me that if I didn't do things exactly the way she wanted me to do them, I would amount to nothing out of life. I was interested in reading and writing. But reading and writing would get me no where. I remember having to sneak around to read novels from my school's library because if I was caught with them, I would be punished. The only books that I should read, according to her, was text books. Anything else was frivolous and a waste of time.
It was no wonder that I thought so low of myself. Imagine being told for a major part of your childhood that what you are interested in doing for the rest of your life is a road to nowhere and that it will ultimately lead to failure. I eventually made it out of there and into a place where my interests were encouraged. But I carried that mentality with me for a long time.
Now, I have a clear focus of what I want from life and I'm charging at it like a raging bull. I'm confident in my abilities, and I don't let the occasional bad criticism (which is inevitable in my line of work) get to me personally. I've become a more active participant in my community, I'm working vigorously to get my name and work out there and ultimately, I know that I will reach the goals I'm setting for myself because there's no stopping me.
I can't explain what happened to me that made me change so dramatically over the last few years. It's likely a combination of the confidence I've built by becoming a content writer and having children. I love my boys more than words could ever describe and that's a bold statement because I work with words on a daily basis. But when I realized that I couldn't very well tell them to work hard to pursue their dreams when I haven't done it for myself, it was a kick in the butt for me.
And I had to realize for myself that while how I was treated was a contributing factor into my attitude about life in general, I had to take responsibility for myself. So what if I had a crappy childhood filled with negativity? Millions of others have had crappy childhoods, too. The only way to rise above that was to quit blaming everyone else for my plight and push forward.
There are casualties with this change. My personal relationships have altered and I find myself with an entirely new set of problems that I'm not accustomed to dealing with. Every day is a learning experience and uncovers a layer of the new person I've become.
I don't mean to preach and I don't mean to sound like one of those inspirational speakers that talk in riddles about "finding your inner light" or "coming out of your cocoon" or some crap. Recent events in my personal life have just got me thinking about how curled up inside myself I used to be and how I can't be that person anymore. I just know what I know and feel how I feel. If it can help someone put words to what they are feeling as they transform, then my goal with this post has been accomplished.
Love, peace, and real happiness,