Things are slowing down a little but I'm still in that survival mode, trying to balance work with motherhood, taking one day at a time, trying to make life count, while one son is in question mode ("Momma, what's wood made out of?" "Momma, why do I comb my hair?" "Momma, why do cats scratch?" "Momma, how did a baby get in Sissy's belly?" (Eek!)) while the other son is in blood curling scream mode if you just happen to look at him sideways.
Yesterday was just like any other day. I worked, I paid bills, I got on the treadmill, I did laundry, I cooked supper, I attended my son's t-ball game. I did normal things. Being an adult kinda sucks. But my Facebook friends came out in droves to wish me a happy birthday and it kept a smile on my face most of the day because of it.
Not a normal year
This has not been a normal year, even as much as I'd like to deny that. This is the year that a family member fell ill. With that came memories of a horrid childhood multiplied by pressure that I should do what is expected of me (even if I know it isn't the best thing for me right now) multiplied by a dictatorship I wasn't aware I was under multiplied by part of my family being fractured to the other part of it impending fracture. The whole of it has been almost too much for me to bear. I can say that this year is running a hard race for Worst Year of My Life status even as much as I'm able to waltz around and pretend that all is well.
I'm not saying any of this to garner sympathy at all. It is simply how things have been over the last year. But it has also been a time in my life where I've realized that I have to make some changes; to stop talking about changes and just do it. For me, this is a big deal. I've never considered myself a very strong person and it will take every last gut inside me to make this upcoming year better.
All in all, it's been an okay birthday. Not great, not terrible, but an overall okay day. Oh, and I allowed myself to eat some chocolate so that raised the notch up a little. It's not often I can eat sweets these days.
Now, to tackle those changes...